The Sunday Morning..

I particularly remember that morning in my first year when I was feeling very homesick..I walked to the ocean on that bright Sunday morning and sat overlooking the ocean for perhaps five hours...I sat there missing home (or not), feeling nostalgiac of the past (or not), tired of being in U.S. already(or not)...and I saw the beautiful nature wanting to tell me something...and so I framed this poem in my mind..Its quite amateurish but nonetheless I liked the ending. Originally written in 2005 when I was a freshman in college....

Sunday Morning

The ocean extends as far as the eyes could net
The sky accompanying it singing the blues
Together they walk across the horizon hand in hand
In their embrace, sure eternity surrounds
As I kneeled down on the shore below a tree
The earth carpeted with grass, ornamented with flowers
A tree bowed down on me to tell me a story
A story of love without lost

As I along with the trees, the flowers, the grasses gazed
At the harmony with which the sky and ocean dazed (us)
On that Sunday morning, even the breeze seem to have come
To feel the love, the passion, of the sky and the ocean

All the others seem to cry that morning
With their tiny droplets tipping (dews)
I asked myself, are they the tears of rejoice
For the love they are witnessing
Or are they the tears of self pity
For the loneliness amplified on that Sunday morning.

Lonely

Lonely

Like the wrinkles on a face
Loneliness seem to have become apart of my personality
I want to sure erase it making different faces
But oh no, being normal it still feels lonely…

Sure I curb sometimes the loneliness with thoughts
And more with imaginations
But coming back to the real world hurts a lot, hurts a lot
With the cold wintry blues piercing me right through my heart,
And the smug of warm spring afternoon tearing me apart,
What do I seek?
What do I deserve?
I ask myself and I daze into the countless minutes I walked across so far

I see no fault of mine
I see no remorse even of the thickness of a dime
And yet I am lonely
Loved but lonely
Cared but lonely
Hated but lonely

Tell me why I feel this
Is this because I have placed myself in a bubble
From where love doesn’t touch no more
Hate doesn’t bother no more
Caress doesn’t attract no more

Why have I become so?
Is this because
I lived an unusual life
Is this because
I lived with a big lie in my life
Is this because guilt hunts me
For thing I didn’t do


What should I do?
What should I do?
For the person I can to talk
Is sleeping among the angels
For the person who brings me out of the bubble
has scooped me out of his life…
Hope is for losers,
Recovery is for me
But how do I recover
For many things are inscribed in me
Like an epitome in a lonely dark graveyard,
I shiver at the thought
And yet I tell myself
It aint your fault deechi,
It aint your fault…
But then I feel
Had it been not my fault,
Why did I feel the way I did?
Why did I change after the incident
To become a person I am now.

Somehow deech is long killed
Somehow I lived my life with a burden
Burden of being someone
So as to make people like me
Love me, care for me
But sure I did not realize
No matter what I be
Loneliness is not gonna leave me, not gonna leave me…

Beckoning the gone..

Beckoning the gone

Four years have passed
Since you chose your brother than us
Four years have passed
Since you left without us with your brother in the heavenly bus
O mother, I never thought, you liked heaven better than us
O mother, I never thought, you liked your brother better than us


They told me you took the bus to heaven
They told me I will be okay in days of seven
They told me I shall be strong
For you have gone to heaven, done away with worldly wrongs
But trust me, your memories have gone counted uncountable
But trust me, the void attempted to fathom I, is unfathomable

Four year, and you were right here with me
Four years, I dread still the sight of thee
On that fateful day, I was told you’d set yourself free
for your brother, thou must have loved him better than us (siblings) three

(written 09-14-05)

Entanglement

Entanglement

Zigzagging in the memories, dwell I
Unable to discern past, present, and future
‘I’ doesn’t seem to meet ‘I’
For ‘I’ remains entangled in the entanglement of past, present, and future.

Hoping on hopes, dancing on expectations
‘I’ seem to have dissolved somewhere
Perhaps in the thin air, perhaps in the memory lanes
Or perhaps fulfilling the worldly college requirements...
(written 10/27/06)

*sigh*

"I grabbed a pile of dust, and holding it up, foolishly asked for as many birthdays as the grains of dust. I forgot to ask they be years of youth." - Metamorphosis

Nothing else matters

This one is a continuation of my journal entry on June 06, 2005 -the previous post

Nothing else matters
Not even the breathe
on which I have been holding on for so long
Not even the sun
that has been telling me one day things will be different
Not even the drops of dew
ornamenting the most neglected leaf
seeing which has been giving me pleasure inexpressible

Nothing else matters
Not even the biggest wish come true
Not even the darkest day gone bright
Not even eternity passing by
Neither getting once deserved dream

Nothing else matters
But for you...


*eeeeeeeeeishhhh..these posts do bring back some harsh memories..* Glad I am moved on :)

Journal post Jun '05

Today I felt like digging out some posts in my diary and I stumbled upon a post on 6th June, 2005. It begins like this..

Things have moved so fast. It's already summer holidays and I am as lonely as I have always been before. Much has happened since I wrote the last page of my life.... {then I talk about some personal stuff ending with a poem}


Battles of sights stopped,
Flutternig of breeze halted,
I still remember the day you hold me.
Marathon of breathe froze...


I do remember those eyse
changing into an ocean of mysteriousness
as I walked with you
across time and space...

I do remmeber fishing for sparkles of love
that I thought might existed
in those eyes
which have been with me ever since I met you

I do remeber even wanting to see
the indepthness of anger
in those eyes
where the mysteriousness drove me crazy

I also remember wishing to know
what remained hidden behind the curtain
of those eues
on which I felt once and ever since then...

Alas, never could I figure out
any sparkles of love
Worst still yet
never did I get
even anger of real kind

Now tie and space of our meeting have cross us
and we have crossed them
but anchors of our memories
have remained intertwined
at the junction where if we look back
we will find ourselves
falling in love, once upon a time...

Love

Love is an idea
but idea is not love,
for those who have loved
have an idea of what it is,
and those who have an idea
and havent experienced it
donot know what it actually is...

{I liked these lines..I came across it while surfing orkut..}

Timid beauty

Sometimes its not the people I long for;
It's the land, the beauty that fills up the void within me when I am home... Evenings like this...








And the Lord said;
"Let there be beauty"
and there was Ladakh...










Shhh... hear something? No?
Who says only living beings can speak...
this picture speaks to me aloud...







Coz I am leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again...Now I am feeling nostalgaic..I should better stop..

I will post more pictures... I should say I will sort out more pictures from the millions on the web. All images from http://www.nationalgeographic.com/ and somewhere else (I lost the page..see the hebrew on the edge of the last image..) and the last one is from http://couchtrekker.files.wordpress.com


P.S. the formatting in this blog sucks big time...Can't make it look proper..Sorry folks!

K.I.A.

K.I.A. highlights a light, cheerful, and funny moment that made me geniunely laugh after a long time.

I work in the lab. Every since I started my research this summer, I used to have the chemistry lab all by myself until recently, Marc - a freshman, who works under the chem prof. started showing up every afternoon. I have always noticed him as a very reticent person and I had never spoken to him before other than passing Hi(s) until this summer.

I had more knowledge of where things are stored in the lab, so I would help Marc find things and we started talking. One day, I was running a sodium fusion reaction when, in a split of second while I was thinking everything was going fine, one of the test-tube caught fire. It was because there were virgin sodium left after I thought I had burnt it all. I let out a huge scream (my huge screams are inherentely of lower decibel that perhaps wouldn't pass as a scream from a scientific point of view, nevertheless, it was a scream from my side). Marc came running from across the lab. I was shocked, scared, and yet I was finding it pretty hilarious of what had happened and was trying to explain it to him. In the middle of my explanation, I withdrew my eyes from the "test-tube on fire" to look at him and I saw his eyes fixated at my other test tube.


There were two test-tubes, one that I was holding in my hand (ofcourse with a clamp) and the other sitting on a stand. I had put methanol in both the test-tubes after I had burnt my compound so that it consumes the left over (if any) pure sodium. However, the reaction in the one that was sitting was extremely vigorous so that it looked pretty damn fascinating now that I think about it. I clearly remember the expression on Marc's face while he was looking at it (unfortunately, the victim of the incident didn't draw any attention from him...the burning test tube! haha..). The way he was looking at the other test-tube and the way I was still explaining about my other test tube somehow made me feel like kids. I felt like I had gone back to my childhood when you can't really hide the excitement of discovering something new, like when a friend and you would be walking and suddenly you would see a $10 note on the pathway..In such a moment you are both fascinated and at the same time, suspicious, hesitant, unsure whether to pick it up or not... You would be looking at your friend and he would be looking at you exchanging an unscrupulous grin...I felt that moment in the lab was just this... a reminicent of a precious moment in perhaps everyone's honest childhood.

Life would be too boring in lab if there aren't small (safe?) accidents. Accidents that freeze your breath, then bring a silly smile, and ultimately make your eyes roll left and right to make sure no one has seen you make that silly mistake. All these three responses mostly taking place with a span of a second! I am usually very careful in lab, so I hardly get the pleasure of such accidents, but Marc and such accidents seem to have become synonyms these days. The other day, he was churning something under the fume hood and staring at his flask throughout like a statute oriented to look at a fountain...or something. It made me wonder if he was even blinking. He looked so attentive as if his flask was going to abscond with his precious solution. Right then, the flask blew off, I saw him pull off his head with a jerk and I noticed he looked right and left, front on the broken flask, and then right and left, finally settling on front with a smile. I wonder why he didn't bother to look behind. I was standing behind him pretending to be busy with my own stuff. Inside, however, I was laughing. {I like to notice people behavior sometimes...we are silly sometimes, aren't we?)

He went off to the board where he had his data of four flask. He went to the last column, circled it with red marker, and wrote K.I.A with a sad face (smiley?) on the side like an improvised version of :(. He said to me, "look what happened." I said, "I saw..." trying to project an expression that would tell him I sympathize with what had happened to his beloved solution (actually it was the sad smiley he drew on the board that was helping me to provoke sympathy ladden expression on my face, otherwise, I was cracking up inside:D). I asked him, "What's K.I.A?" as I didnt see it anywhere else on his data. He looked at me with a sad face and I couldn't help but see the similarity in the picture he drew on the board of :( and his own expression when he said, "Killed In Action." ...Haha..right there and then, "the" geniune laugh shot right out of my heart, transformed into a smile, and was pushing me to let it out on my face but I was restraining it because I thought he was really said for the flask that was killed in action. But I felt my eyes really laughing, and when he smiled, I just couldn't stop but let full smile at the board, at the sad smiley, sympathetically :) at him, at myself for thinking he was seriously sad, bowed back to my lab book, nodded my head sideways, and fully smiled some more...

Afternote: I am not the only one who personifying everything and anything!

Relationships:

I have met many people who are in relationships and who always complains, "my boyfriend is too possessive," "My girl friend is too jealous.", and other such things. Isn't being in a relationship different from being just friends because you feel possessed, you feel you belong belong, you feel that you are precious to someone that the other feels threatened if you show too much of intimacy with others...
For me, it is. :-)..
C'mon lets think about it. If the other person doesn't mind you hanging out with a bunch of guyz all night long, doesn't even know where the hell you are, doesn't angrily stare at you when you talk to someone else for long, is he, then, any different from an indifferent friend? Think about it!

Sunday, like a sundae!

You know some days are just beautiful. When you go to bed the night before, you have no idea that the next day in the line won't be the same. You wake up and you realize that the everyday world appears just a little bit brighter, the once glorious sunflower that had suffered an untimely death and now lies dark, wrinkled, sacked, and weak by the big window where once upon a time it has drawn the praise of passerbys which has turned into sympathy now appears a wonderful piece of art exuberating grandness, the white, black and grey room appears brilliantly vibant somehow, even the song of the electric ladyland taps your feet, and the empty room just can't stop you from smiling...Such has been my day today, sunday, like a sundae! :=)

Necking Nightmares


It happens to me quite frequently that if I see, hear, imagine, or watch, a thing that is out of what I usually encounter, it sticks in my mind like a leech. If it is an unpleasant thing, it is most likely that I will be hosting a train of nightmares for the nights in the line. The nightmares may range from scary to deadly to almost killing.
Just the other day, I rented out a soap called Doctor Who from the library as there were nothing else that appealed to me. I must say it had the most bizarre plot. It was about a global do-good man who could travel in time and space. Well, in the first episode of the second season, he goes out to the time of Queen Victoria who happens to be on the way to visit her son. The son, on the other hand, has been captivated by werewolves, who were disguised as his servants. The princess was held captive in the barn along with some maid and with a caged wolf-like-man. Then the whole incident happens where the wolf gets out and chases everybody -just the usual thing, you know - that doesn’t sound scary at all while I am writing this, neither did it frightened me while I was skip-watching it. Moreover, the cinematography was very bad especially of the first episode and it looked all fake. However, that night my eyes opened probably around 2:00 pm and I constantly felt that someone/something below my bed was extending its arms towards me trying to do -I knoweth not. But now as I write about it, I think the hand was of a wolf-man, a werewolf. It doesn’t sound even remotely scary now but when I was in the situation, wish it felt like how it sounds now. I have a theory - words just can not say things especially when it is not your native tongue. Probably, even if you are good at it, you may create circumstances and examples that psychologically mold people into imagining situations that evoke, what the writer expects, a similar kind of feeling. But all in all, I think words are worst when it comes to actually conveying the underlying true feeling knitted with the words. Alas, words aren’t feeling, and feelings aren’t words.

Switching my gear back to the story, I would rank this nightmare only 6 out of 10 on the 0-to-10 scale of dreadfulness of nightmares I have experienced so far. More will follow in my subsequent posts. Whenever, I see nightmares, there is just one thing that seems to be helping me calm down - I try and remember the face of Lord Buddha and chant a prayer I learnt when I was a kid. It is a Buddhist chant. However, lately I have realized that I constantly confuse this prayer with the prayer that is called before meals. I feel very terrible at times and sometimes tears roll down my eyes when in the dread of the moment, I just can not recall the correct prayer. I feel as helpless as a drowning limbless frog in arctic ocean, the floor of which is crowded by humongous sharks with sharp teeth. Perhaps, if the reader tries to imagine the climax in the movies when a fast techno track runs in the background and things happens real fast - the chasing, the shooting, the screaming, the death, the laugh, the screech of cars , the love making, the fire, the cops, the helicopters, the man or men in black, the… - I feel the same rush in my mind when I am hunted by the nightmare and I just can’t recall my prayer. No, it’s not the rush of the excitement, but the utter impatience, the helplessness to fast-forward the movie so that I could now what actually happens in the end, so that I could know what is the prayer actually.

Now I just hope my tonight is a good night, a laku noch, a buenas noches, after writing about nightmares. Probably I should have written this in the morning, not when I see my bed extending its arms and calling me in for aaaaaaaaa nightmare, a goodnite sleep, a sleepless night, …I don’t know but I certainly feel I should stop personifying my bed or else soon it will start appearing monstrous!

Intro(vert)duction

I suppose the first blog is to write about the reason I am blogging. The main reason is that I find myself surrounded with a bunch of free time these days and I like writing. I know my writing needs a LOT of improvement but I tend to slack off and never work on it. A friend of mine suggested blogging and I thought, why not give a shot? I do not think I will blog about important and interesting things, but hey, who says only people with interesting things to say can blog! :)

I used to write journals. I started it in 2001 when I was a junior in high school. It was probably just around the time when so called love-thing happened to me and I was too scared to share it with anyone. Switching gears, I shall better give my introduction, eh? I know my English posses a lot of canadian "ehs?", American"huhs" or "alrightys," spanish "ciaos," and English "piss offs" but no, I do not belog to any of these countries. I am from a small place called Ladakh and I find it necessary to introduce one such word of my native language that I can use in my multi-cultural english writing - "ha."
Ha! can mean anything from whaaaat!, riiiiiiight (when looking for affirmation), whattt (loud with a "you are pissing me off" look), waaat (with a lovers warmth), etc- all depending upon the situation and the way it is delivered. Anyway, we can go into the details later. Ladakh one of the three provinces in the state of Jammu and Kashmir in India and I like to call it an open castle of sturdy mountains!!

Many people tend to think it is a Buddhist dominated place, but recently I read somewhere, that in whole of ladakh, perhaps there is 50/50 population of Muslims and Buddhist. Technically I am a Buddhist by birth. However, when I am asked anything about Buddhism, I tend to cover my ignorance about it by a sentence I once heard from somewhere "you know the most beautiful thing about Buddhism is that it starts at mending one's heart and if you trying to do that, you are a Buddhist" and so I tell people, I am a Buddhist without feeling that I am lying. Whenever I use this, I find no further questions on Buddhism bomarded at me. It is indeed nice and easy escape without making me look too foolish, but honeslty I would like to know more. In my heart I do not know what religion I follow. Sometimes I call myself atheist, sometimes agnostic, sometimes even multi-religious, but most of the time Buddhist probably because I find a glitz of admiration in the eyes of people when I say this and unlike some other religion, I am exempted from negative prejudices. Perhaps I am taking advantage of the name of the religion, but I never said I do not believe in Buddhism. It is just the fact that I do not know much about me that sub-consciously questions me if I, really, am a Buddhist. Oh well, like many other things in my life, I donot have to figure this one right here and right now. Do I? hmmm...

Anyway, see thats the problem with me. I always go off in tangents away from the motive whenever I embark on anything. I started to write a short and precise introduction, and look, what thoughts dragged me! My thoughts are untamed wild horses in a remote countryside in Montana - the gate opens, they let themselves loose. And nope, they aren't dogs that I can leash.

I shall stop now. However, I must say to whoever reads this (if there is any :) ), please pardon me for any mistakes I make. I tend to be very conscious about my mistakes. I am very intimidated with my limited grammar and vocabulary which is probably why I do not tend to show people my writing. I must overcome this and through this blog I will try. At this point, I am thrilled that I am letting go of the fear that people will judge me and letting my wildhorses of imagination loose whenever I get time! Enjoy and leave your comments :). Ciao!